Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
