I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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