Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
