im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
