When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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