sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
