I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
