are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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