You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
