You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
