im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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