Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
