saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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