I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
