Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
