Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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