My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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