I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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