I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
do herpes really smell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
