dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
