You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
