I can tuck mytits in my pants
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
