The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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