I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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