I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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