I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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