you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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