I CAN MOONWALK!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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