apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
