I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
