Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
