i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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