Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
