does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
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I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am naked and annoyed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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