Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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