I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
