she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
