When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
