Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
