I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
