what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
