My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
