So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
