Sry I called you an 8
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
