At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
