just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
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Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.