Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!