Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.