Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
