3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?