we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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