the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
