i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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