i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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