It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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