Your dad touched me again.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Less talking, more tequila
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
