if i can run in heels then i can drive
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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