At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
