Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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