arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
