Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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