Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
