I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
