Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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