Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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