After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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