I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
